Millennial’s Advice on…Marriage?

skateboard loveYou heard that right, folks, the Millennials, our young Americans aged approximately 18 to 31 have gone and solved the problem we know of as MARRIAGE!  Whoopie!  Bravo!  Why didn’t we think of these solutions or any one of a hundred generations before us?

Ready?  Here’s the first one:  The Beta or Renewable Marriage:  The loving couple ties the knot…(a slip-knot I think) and for two years the couple lives in wedded bliss.  Maybe they buy that house with a picket fence, have one or two munchkins, maybe even a dog or cat and then…voila!  At the end of two years, the marriage just dissolves like a wad of cotton candy in your mouth.  It’s officially over.  No strings.  What about the house, dog, cat…kid?  Don’t confuse us with details. (Chris Marlink, Time Magazine )

Now, if everything is going along just absolutely perfectly, the couple has the option of reupping for…another two years!  This, of course, presupposes that neither one of them has gained a few pounds, gotten a zit on their face, or possibly needs an expensive crown put in or a new transmission for the Audi.  When that happens, or perhaps someone has lost their job or their cherubic child turns out to be not-so-cherubic, then it can be a bit messy…particularly selling that house and fighting over child support.  Well, maybe that idea needs a bit of work, but let’s try to be fair.  How much marriage experience does anyone have at 18…20…25?

odd_klingon_weddingOkay, let’s move on to  OPTION TWO:  The PRESIDENTIAL MARRIAGE:  (I’m not making this stuff up.)  In the presidential marriage, as you can imagine, the couple buys off on not just two, but four years (much more equitable) at which point…refer to problems listed above under renewable marriage.  Oh, and another cool option:  The couple can renew for a “second term” of another four years…but after that, it’s definitely over.  What if you love each other and actually want to stay married?  Sorry.  This is a Presidential Marriage.  There are rules. I’m doing the math now.  Pamela and I have been together since 1968…46 (pretty damned happy) years together.  With the presidential marriage we would have been forced to split up after 8 years.  …We were still  wet-behind- the-ears newly-weds at eight years.

Real Estate Marriage:  This is sort of a hybrid of Beta and Presidential.  The loving couple signs on the dotted line for two, five, seven, ten, or thirty years….after which point the marriage dissolves if not successfully renegotiated.  I’m trying to figure out those numbers…  It jumps two years in the first increment, three in the second and then…twenty in the third (from ten years to thirty).  Even if I liked the concept, which I really don’t, it seems like they might want to play with those time periods just a bit.   And, of course, the questions arise:  “You only want to commit for two years?  I was thinking ten.  I thought you loved me.  What?  You want a pre-nuptial on that two year as well?  GFY.” 

A footnote to any of the three marriage options above:  Let’s say you just don’t agree at all with any of the observations above.  You opt for, say, the four-year Presidential Marriage…nice conservative choice.  You even find your dream home, tucked away on a quiet street.  You go to the real estate agent to see what you qualify for, and realize that with the infirmity of your marriage you don’t qualify for double-wide trailer, much less a house.

Since we’re throwing out utterly radical concepts, I have one of my own. (Oh you knew this was coming, didn’t you?)   I’m going to coin a new term here…gonna call it DATING.  It’s short and has a nice ring to it.  What is dating?  Got a pencil?  One person asks another out on…a date.  The rules for dating are simple if not archaic.

Archaic Rule Number One :  To ask a person for a date, you have to call them up and actually speak to them.  Texting, sexting, e-mailing doesn’t count.  “Why?”  …It just doesn’t.  If you can’t be bothered or work up the energy to dial 10 digits with your index finger, you aren’t datable material.

Archaic Rule Number Two:  You have to actually go and pick up your date, at their house, apartment, etc. at a prearranged time and…you have to be dressed somewhat presentably, clean, gargled, hair combed, deodorant used, etc.

ipads in bedroomArchaic Rule Number Three:  During your date, you must leave your cell phone, i-Pad, and any electronic form of communication…home.  Does this sound like absurdly cruel, illogical, and inhuman punishment?  Just not realistic at all?  Then, you’re not ready to date, much less get married.  A date presupposes that the two of you can actually survive talking to each other, holding hands and having a beer or wine for an hour or so.  If you don’t think you can handle that, it’s best to stay where you are…alone.

Footnote:  Dating is NOT Cohabitating.  When you date, you may accidentally “sleep over” once in awhile, but eventually go home.  Why? Think about it.  The whole concept of dating is to determine whether (or not) you are a whole lot happier with a mate than without.  Once you move in, the impetus to commit or get married drops off exponentially.

hooking up for dummiesHooking Up:  What could be wrong with this?  C’mon the world has changed.  What’s the big deal about going to a bar, introducing yourself and then getting a bj fifteen minutes later?  Nothing at all…except for that possibility of an STD from the large number of casual exposures.  Are there any long-term drawbacks?  Well…let me think a moment. What happens when you eventually do meet that guy or gal who fulfills all your dreams?  This is a guy you can trust, the guy you might be willing to spend your whole life with, have children, actually buy that house in the clearing.  And he asks you seriously, how many partners have you been with?  Your sincere reply to your dream guy is, “Are you talking about tonight?  this week? this month?  Are we counting bjs???” People get corny when they begin planning for…forever.  The answer to that question is an important one.

The hook-up generation ain’t gonna work for the long haul…not even the short haul.  You might think that having casual multiple partners is the best possible solution.  Truth is, in studies they have determined conclusively that one person- one partner is the best.  Period…no asterisks.

fwanft22mvfb7rh4blvmStarter Husbands/Starter Wives:  There’s an ad for Nine West this week.  It’s a pair of animal print spike-heels designed to catch your Starter Husband!  Both terms are odious.  It denigrates both you, your mate, and the concept of love all in one easy term.  Would you seriously consider a long-term relationship with someone who considered you their starter mate?

schooner sunsetLong-term Marriages:  Every generation has to accumulate wisdom on their own. Unlike knowledge, wisdom is something that can’t be passed on.  Marriages are very much like a long-term odyssey.  You sail into exciting places, hit totally unexpected squalls, you get leaks in your hull, you get seasick.


Jan_Porcellis_-_Ships_in_a_Storm_on_a_Rocky_Coast_-_Google_Art_ProjectBut, you also grow together and you get closer.  You learn to cover for each other…yeah, in sickness and in health.  That’s part of the deal.  And if you choose to go it alone?  You hit all those same squalls, leaks, sicknesses…you just handle them…all by yourself.  With 45 years of experience, I suggest that having a mate on this voyage is a WHOLE LOT more fun!

Pamela and Henryh and P




6 Responses to "Millennial’s Advice on…Marriage?"

  1. Alice Blau says:

    Remember in the 60’s the song, War, What is it good for? (absolutely nothing) Well, this seems to be the model for the Millennials’ definition of marriage. Marriage has survived the test of time in spite of the newest generation…the ones who think that driving the Nissan Cube, The Honda Element, and The Scion XB are a good idea…mainly because they look “ironic” and they can plug in their computers and nerd-out instead of concentrating on actually driving. They want to change marriage because maybe their folks got divorced. Sounds like a herd of sheep to me.

    They are dismissing the very best parts of being married. The intimacy, the trust, the stability…all that takes a lot of time. If you choose your mate correctly, you get the bonus of having a true friend and desirable mate for life, and you can endure the hardships and also celebrate the good times together.
    Hooking up is by far the dumbest thing going. It is shallow. It can have life-long consequences, and can leave you feeling lonely.
    All relationships require attention. You can’t expect to master the violin by shacking up with the fiddle. It takes time, and is a labor of love, designed to last a lifetime.
    My advice to the younger generation is this: don’t be a sheep. Learn to think for yourself, and value your life and try to find that someone special who can go through life with you for the long haul, not just long enough for the buzz to wear off from the local bar.

    In essence, grow the hell up. Marriage has been around a lot longer than you have, and historically, with pretty good results.
    Alice B.

    • Henry Harvey says:

      Well, well, well, Ms. Blau. Tell us what you really think. First thing I see is…you seem to really dislike automobiles that are shaped like refrigerators. Are they not efficient (except for the aerodynamic drag)? And what is wrong with irony? I love to coast up next to one at a stop light, look over…and smile. Yes, Ms. Blau you’re preaching to the choir on that one.
      Personally, I’ve always held women in much much higher esteem than men. I’ve always felt that they had their “act” together about 30%+ more than men. But, hooking up? The gals buying into this are really selling themselves short. Giving oral sex for a beer is hardly the deal of the century…nor the way to find your soul mate.
      I do have a question though. Do those cars you mentioned…have a freezer compartment?

  2. Dave says:

    Always enjoy your post and share them with Patricia. We have two millennial adults who jumped the broom and/or are married. We are in year 36 married and only regret that we did not do something special for ourselves to celebrate ’35 years.

  3. Robert Moravsik says:

    Excellent advice…I got an eye roll out of my 25 year old so you must be on target.
    Bob M.

    • henry harvey says:

      Hi Bob,
      Yeah, I got more than a couple of unhappy millenial responses to this one. The frustrating thing is, if you probe a little deeper, the millenials have a number of things in common with the boomers…and that’s not intended as a cut to either group.

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