Classic Saturday Night Live Skit: Dan Aykroyd hard-selling an ice cream topping that’s…Also a Floor Wax!!! It was funny as hell, but there was an underlying premise that always kinda turned my stomach.
Soooo… What I’m about to tell you about is real. In fact it’s amazing, though it sounds like something Aykroyd conjured up for SNL.
The Couple that Plays Together…Stays Together: We’d been buying a body scrub that was fairly extravagantly priced, at least for us. It cost about twenty bucks for a tiny jar and you rub it around on your body. Three seconds later it trundles down the drain. Still, for the pleasure it gave, it was pretty-much worth it. But then one day, Pamela went on the internet and learned that making body scrub is actually easy. In fact, it’s so ultra-easy that after the first batch, my mind wandered, as usual toward the concept of making it even BETTER! As it turns out, that’s pretty easy to do. Though we incorporated two or three mystery ingredients, the bulk of the thing was so natural, you really wonder why anyone in his right mind would pay actual money for it. You need: raw sugar, emphasis on raw. You need a good olive oil. There are some other ingredients but they’re boring and this isn’t a cook book.
A Slight Sugar Buzz: The operative idea I had as I watched Pamela mixing it all together, was that, every ingredient was not only in a food-group, but one I like pretty well. Hmmm…. I asked for a little half-cup of the mixture to play with while Pam continued her concocting.
I dragged over a bottle of really good dark Jamaican rum. I went, bloop-bloop, sniffed, and then went bloop bloop bloop. Pamela said, “You’ll make it too runny.” I stirred it around a bit. Boy, it smelled really great! I took a cautious spoonful of it and thought, What Is Not To Like??? I was getting a slight sugar buzz, a bit of a rum buzz and the olive oil just made everything go down smoothly. Took out some French vanilla ice cream. I give it a B+/A-minus. (To be a solid A there has to be some chocolate involved.) But believe me, we’re just getting going here. There’s more.
Ocho Rios: Pam finished her brew, and I took my cup of X-rated scrub/dessert topping up with her to the shower. I tried mine first, and we both started giggling. The heat from the shower and the 80 proof rum were giving a buzz just standing there and it smelled like…….Ocho Rios and St. Maarten! We rubbed each other down, giggled a bit, took some little licks and nibbles. I rated it an A+…at this point. But…to steal a line from the infomercials, we’re not finished yet.
Rewind? Are you insane? There’s a product I buy to make my hair look cool. Women will know it. It’s called Rewind, and it isn’t cheap. Looks like Vaseline. Feels like Vaseline, only the jar, which is the size of a shrunken hockey puck cost $18.95. Sort of as a joke, I decided to finish the shower, rubbing the X-rated scrub in my hair, too…and Pam’s. Now, usually after a shower, particularly in the winter time, we moisturize with Eucerin…not cheap either, but very good. Well, we skipped the Eucerin, because after toweling off, we felt…just about right, only we both smelled…MAHVELOUS.
FIVE STARS: Smelling like Jamaica, and all moisturized and a bit buzzed, and…with silky rum-smelling hair, we quickly retired to our California King. I can say with most excellent authority, having used it now for several months, that there are ZERO drawbacks to this homemade product. I no longer buy body scrub or moisturizer, or Rewind or much of anything. Oh…and I quit using cologne as well. Turns out that a little hint of Jamaican rum is…a really good thing. After our long term trial I rate this new product Five Stars….A+++++
Henry
P.S. Having just run out of the stuff, the next iteration will be…all of the above plus two more bloop-bloops of Bailey’s Irish Creme. I can’t wait!!!
P.P.S. Okay, I guess there is one drawback. Your entire body gets moisturized…including your feet. Walk carefully for a minute or till you get over to the bed. Or, I guess you could just crawl over.